Another Hiding Place

One place that's perfect to set up shop is your local Wal-Mart. But you have to make sure it's a super center.

I know you're wondering why it could possibly be a potential fortress, well let me explain........

If its a super Wal-Mart the answer is simple, you'll have access to EVERYTHING you could possibly need. There's a furniture department for comfy beds, entertainment department with everything you need to cure your boredom, and food galore.

Now, you'll want to secure all entrances first and foremost. For that you have the garden center. There's everything from bricks to cement to build a hell of a wall to cover the windows.

Once you've been able to turn the building into fort knox then you can relax a little and start you're ultimate plan for long term survival. Check every room, every display, you never know if there are a few zombies playing hide and seek wearing those hideous name tags and you don't want your throat ripped out by Mary Ellen from hardware. Its always better to be safe than sorry.

Celebrate a little with some music and running around, but be careful not to let your guard down, the slightest crack can lead to zombies coming in to say hi. You don't have to worry about a parking garage with wondering zombies, you can easily look out the windows for that. You can also go up to the roof to check the area, remember, living or dead everyone loves Wal-Mart.

So enjoy.....live a little and remember to let important people know (family and close friends). With a little creativity it could turn into quite the party.

The Other White Meat

Here's a good subject to discuss, what's the best buffet . It really depends on how hungry you really are.

Now, newbies to the community will pretty much go after anything, so we're going to give them some help in this department.

So, who's the best victim you ask?

Well, I know which one is the worst! You will know them by the clothes hanging off their bodies. These sad creatures are able to run very fast and have really no skin on those bones. Usually screaming while they quickly head first into the nearest wall or pole. Sad to say out of all potential prey these truly are the hardest to catch and really not very filling.

If you're looking for the easiest prey the best one's are definitely the bigger humans. You'll recognize these tasty morsels by the heavy breathing and excessive sweating. These wonderful delights are very easy to take down and once you take that first bite it's almost like entering heaven. The soft mushy flesh melts like butter in your mouth and easily pulls off the body. Now that's good eatin!

The all to familiar "tough ones" are much harder to deal with. But if caught off guard its very simple to take a nibble at the neck line. They tend to give you a little fight, but its well worth the battle.

What If Your Honey Won't Give You Brains

This is a very tough subject to deal with.

You have a girlfriend or boyfriend that you have been with before the attack and suddenly they have become the undead. You're fighting with inner turmoil trying decide if you should keep that promise of forever, but you're not sure about the oh so painful chewing experience. What do you do?

My advice to you is to move on. If your honey is going to break their promise of forever and has become obsessed strictly to the idea of eating your brains, then its just not going to work out.

Cut your loses and look for someone that is willing to take care of your needs and still has a pulse.

Obviously you new found ex is only concerned with one thing and once they get it you won't even be an after thought.

Im sorry dear, no one likes a greedy gus and everyone deserves respect.

Zombie Make-Up Tips

Now that its the holiday season we all want to look our best for coming events. So here are some tips to help you say " I'm here, notice me".

In order to get rid of that unsightly dry skin its best to use the right moisturizer, one thing that tends to work best is to go to the nearest body of water and slowly emerge yourself. Don't worry, since you don't have to bother breathing any more you're able to stay in and let the water do all the work.

You might experience a little uncomfortable bloating, but that's a temporary side effect of this incredible treatment.


There was a client that came to me and said " mmmeehh ahhh mmm uggg", translation is, what do I do for an unbalanced complextion. Well my suggestion is simple, go to your nearest bon fire and stand just close enough to get that bronze look. Keep in mind though, getting TOO close will result in ignition and running away. So try to be as careful as possible. No one will stand in awe of a crispy zombie.


Another client had a good question also, but I'll just translate quickly, after all she's a little tough to understand with her missing lower jaw. She was concerned about using the right eyeliner for a fun night out. I say go with whatever is comfortable for you. The best color is black, but make sure that its waterproof to avoid the all so familiar running down the face if exposed to the elements.

Now I leave you with this, don't be afraid to experiment. There's nothing wrong with trying to find your perfect look. It might take a little time, but who cares. We have eternity, that is until someone puts a shotgun to your face. Until then show off your new look!

Zombie Squirrels

Run as fast as you can, lock the doors, close the shades. There is one creature more terrifying than all the others combined.

That creature is the zombie squirrel. A lot of us see these small animals and assume they're harmless, but that's part of their strategy. We pass by thousands of these seemingly innocence animals and say awww, but beware, they're just waiting for the opportunity to strike.

One minute you're relaxing, maybe even sunbathing, next minute you're being surrounded by the furry tailed creatures from hell!

So beware my friend. If you just happen to look out the window and there's a squirrel staring back at you, secure your house, turn off the lights and pray it goes away.

I Can't Be A Zombie...

I'm a typical girl living in the city. I have an active social life and a close family, but for some reason when I'm alone all I keep wondering is what is the reason for my existence . My name is Kelly and I'll be twenty six next week.

I never really had difficulties with men until I met Ken and now it seems that I'm having a hard time coming up for air. As far as I knew we were just friends but, in his mind it was more than that. Which leads me to explain recent events.

It was a day like any other when suddenly I hear a knock at the door. The night before I had been out with friends so of course my body was still feeling the affects. I had to practically drag myself to the door to answer it, but when I reached it I knew I could lean against it for a short second until I had to open it. The strange thing was when I got it open after a short struggle all I saw was Ken, standing at the entrance in horror. He backed up and ran down the hall in terror. I shrugged and just closed the door, at least I wouldn't have to deal with him for the time being. But honestly, do I really look that bad in the morning?

A little time passed and as I got dressed I realized that I was terribly hungry and needed something fast. So I decided to go down to the corner deli for anything to fill my belly. I did notice people here and there staring at me, but who cares right, it's not like I'm an ugly woman and honestly I'm used to stares here and there.

Ahh, finally my favorite deli! Now I'd feel better, they always have the best sandwiches at this stop. I was really looking forward to filling my face. The funny thing is, when I got there and tried to open the door it wouldn't budge. Wow, I really must have had a good time last night, I didn't have the strength to function today. Thank god a woman came out the door at that time screaming and I was about to go inside. I wondered why she was screaming though, everyone was acting kind of funny today.

Once in, the strangest thing happened. Everyone turned to look at me, and someone started yelling it's one of them! Mr. Garbon who was behind the counter looked at me and said "mother of god, not you", and I assumed he was joking. Out of no where he picks up his gun and shoots, but he must be a bad aim because I didn't feel a thing. Everyone backed away as I approached the counter to ask what his problem is when he shot again.

Now, im laying on my back looking up at these insane people and things are starting to fade slowly. What did I do to deserve this? Mr.Garbon is kneeling next to me saying he's sorry and to forgive him.......

Somebody is saying zombies, something about they'll be more of "them". It's getting darker......

Seriously? I'm a zombie? How did that happen.......

Sports, Sports, Sports...

Whether you realize it or not zombies are quite the sports nuts. No, you won't see them at the local bar during the Superbowl, but you will see them participating in a few events here and there.

One thing they tend to be very good at is the old gladiator games. We all know these, man to man fighting to the death! Nothing like a few hours of good ol bloodsports! Put a collar and chain around their necks and sit back. Its loads of fun.

Another thing it a little like skeet shooting..... granted they are the targets, but they have a blast dodging bullets. This is very popular with the rural crowds.
You can bring the kiddies for snap shots with the winners afterwards, it's better than most carnivals.

And my all time favorite....they gather at the gates until they hear that starting bell and charge! Track and field have NEVER been more fun.

Zombie Fashion Tips

So what do you do if you're a zombie getting ready to go out for a night of carnage? Do you throw on that typical torn shirt for a night on the town? No..and we're here to help.

For the flirty look we suggest a tattered rag above the knee. It shows off a little leg all while giving you room to leap on your victims with ease. Granted you have to be careful to keep your leg intact. Which leads me to another tip, if you want to go for the pants look it does help you while running (if you're able to), if your leg happens to fall off, the pant leg has a tendency to keep it close at hand.

Now, what about hair you ask?
There's nothing like a little foliage to complete your new look. Now for seasoned zombies you all know that the more foliage, webs and critters you add to your finishing touch, the more it tends to say " I am zombie, run".
The newer addition to the clan tend to go for the all so popular "I just started my new undead life" look at me! Damn attention whores steal all the limelight! No one needs a Diva.

Now it's time to complete your look. Shoes aren't really that important, considering the fact that you really don't have feeling in your feet so anything will do. But there's nothing wrong with adding a little flair. Go crazy a little...a little splatter here and there of fresh blood says your ready to party!

You

My God......look at this. (Clicks mouse)

There are hundreds of Web sites and message boards about people who've died after saying those magic words. Boy, if only I'd learned to use a computer before today, huh?

Creating A Semi-Living Will

In the Terrorverse, every responsible adult has two wills: one to be carried out in the event of their death, and one to be carried out in the event of their semi-death. Its crucial that you leave your family specific instructions on what to do if you become a zombie, if only to alleviate some of the guilt they might feel about chopping off your head.

Spelling out your wishes in black and white also eliminates the possibility of a painful, protracted legal battle, and ensures that-- zombie or not--you'll be allowed to die with some dignity. A semi-living will might be something as simple as this;

Last Semi-Living Will and Testament


I,__________________, being of sound, blood-enriched mind and living body, do hereby wish the following three steps to be executed with all due expedience and in the order specified, in the event of my transformation (whether accidental or otherwise) into a zombie:

1. My head shall be forcibly removed from my body.
2. No less than five (5) bullets shall be fired point-blank from a high-powered rifle into my brain.
3. My head and body shall be burned until nothing but ash remains.


I leave these instructions of my own free will on this day,_________________, 20___.


Signed,

___________________________



Seth Grahame-Smith
How To Survive A Horror Movie

Arm Yourself

At the first sign of a zombie outbreak, raid the local gun shops, sporting goods stores, and "we sell everything ever made" megastores, and procure some instruments of undeath.

Rifles. The cornerstone of any anti-zombie campaign. Preferably high-powered semiautomatics.

Shotguns. Excellent for close-quarters fighting. Make heads disappear like magic!

Bombs. Whether a brick of C4 or a pipe filled with gunpowder and rusty nails, bombs are a highly effective means of vanquishing zombies.

Incendiary devices. Zombies are famously terrified of fire, and with good reason-- they're much more flammable than we are, since their flesh is so dry. And because they're not exactly nimble, very few manage to stop, drop, and roll after they've been lit.


Seth Grahame-Smith

Zombie Dancing

Now now, I know it sounds silly, but surprisingly zombies are quite entertaining. Its not always eating and gore. Some zombies are able to cut a rug on a festive Saturday night.
Let us think back to the infamous Thriller. Who knew that the living dead was so limber. I can't imagine the countless hours that it took to get the routine right. Now that's dedication.
So it makes you wonder how many other zombies are out there just dying for their chance to be the next American Idol. Simon beware!

What Do You Do If They're At The Door.

Honestly its kind of common sense.
Do you open it expecting pastries from your friendly neighborhood association? I think not, but usually that is what happens.

If you peek out of the window and there is a sea of the undead, yeah I think its time to lock every lock and back away as fast as you can. In some cases you can even unload a shot gun through the door. If by chance it does happen to be little old Ms. Normal next door, don't feel guilty...its better to be safe than sorry.

Now we as humans have a habit of wondering why or telling ourselves that its not real, this isn't happening. But believe me if you unload its definitely the right thing. Reload the guns and check all entrances every five minutes if need be.

There is no thinking twice when protecting yourself from the undead. After all, its you or them. And the last time you checked you have a pulse they don't...so its not rocket science.

Killing The Living Dead...

Now this is the tricky part. We all know that if you're dead you feel no pain. So how are you able to rid yourself of the undead permanently?

Honestly you should be ashamed of yourself for not coming up with fun and creative ways at the drop of a hat. You're alive they're not ,simple. Snails move faster than most zombies so I don't see any problem walking past them at a normal pace without risking bites.

But we all know that for some reason none of us can figure out ,the "heros" always seem to find the most vulnerable of all shelters to call home. These people sit around screaming and crying not realizing that all they have to do is walk out the door and jog to safety. Not only do you get a little exercise, but you also are about to find a more sensible place to hide.

Remember....humans are smart, alive and can run.
Zombies ....dead, have no brain (but craving them) and move about as fast as an 80 year old running for the bathroom.

The best way to take them out is to just casually walk up to one, hit them hard in the head and continue on with your day. After all, everyone knows that blunt force trauma to a zombie is the best way to rid yourself of them.

Hero Quote

(Gasping for breath)

What are we gonna do? There...there must be two...three dozen of them in the front yard! At the rate they're moving, they'll make it to the porch in a few hours!

Warning Signs Of A Haunted Cemetary

Ravens
Stone Angels
Layer Of Fresh Mist
Freshly Dug Grave
Native American Casino
Huge Old Iron Gate
Trees That Have No Leaves No Matter What The Season

The Dead

Dead people. Greedy sons of bitches. They had their time to exist, and now that it's over, do they float peacefully into the next plane of consciousness? No. They want more. An equal stake in our world. And until they get it, they'll rattle as many chains, terrorize as many children, and surround as many shopping malls as they can.

Seth Grahame-Smith

Dawn Of The Dead (1978)

Peter:
My granddad was a priest in Trinidad.
He used to tell us, "When there's no more room in hell, the dead will walk the earth."

Adhere To Strict Burial Guidelines

If you're lucky enough to reach the burial site in one piece, don't go any further until you've reviewed these rules:

Never bury someone alive. When's the last time you watched a movie where someone was successfully buried alive? They always escape, and they always come looking for you.

Never bury or exhume the bad guy. If your goal is to dig up the bad guy and make sure he's dead, guess what? He's not. If your goal is to bury the bad guy because you're sure he's finally dead, guess what?

Never bury your child. Nothing's more painful than losing a child, except losing a child, having that child turn into a zombie, and having to kill that zombie child with your bare hands.

Always place a lightning rod next to the gravesite before you dig. Otherwise, the thunderstorm that kicks up the minute you start digging will result in a lightning strike that brings the bad guy back to life.

Don't stand in the hole when you open the coffin lid. As soon as you pry the lid off, the creature's going to spring up like a jack-in-the-box and eat your face.

By Seth Grahame-Smith
Foreword by Wes Craven

Muscle verses Brains.....

Now if you're like me and you're wondering who the best person in your group to appoint leader then simply look around.

There's always the typical characters huddling together in the dark,
We have the big strong guy that is always ready at a seconds notice to blow the head off a zombie but doesn't have the common sense he was born with. You know the guy, ex-jock or cop trying to get even for the deaths of his family.

Then there's the cheerleader type, we all know these girls, they are usually screaming every minute and afraid of thier own shadows. For these types you never know whether to smack the taste out of thier mouths or lock them in a room. But either way you all will spend a lot of time trying to rescue them from themselves. Leader? Not unless you plan on surviving about five minutes.

We have the Nerd of the group, usually someone that knows howw to fix everything, but is too shy to step forward. This person is usually just trying to think of ways to trip you during the next attack so beware.

Then there's the semi-smart one. They immediately take the leader roll by barking orders and keeping a calm head, but we all know they will either sacrifice themselves for the greater good or end up getting a small bite and doing the noble suicide at the end.

The rest of the characters vary in types, but we all know their fate. They always end up being the feast so that the key players can get away.

So always look for the "hero". You know the one sitting to the side quietly sulking and telling everyone to shut up. The one that in the begining just seems like any other person in shock only to suddenly come out of thier shell and form a tough layer of skin. If you want to survive and you need a definate leader......that's the one to get behind.

Where's the best place to hide during a Zombie attack....

A friend of mine had a very good suggestion and so far we've survived (yeah!)
We're at a football stadium.... there's a field that great for growing food and we'd been able to reinforce the area with barricades to keep out the undead. It's really one of the best places to hide long term.

The only real concern he has are the track star zombies, you know those, they have a tendency to run really fast coming for brains and flesh. The others just walk really slow and moan. The track stars can also climb like monkeys so we have to make sure that the gates are completely secure.

Hmm and what about mutant zombies you ask.....
Well those pain in the asses are the ones to worry about.they're smart and can get around just about anything...so being quiet at times comes in handy.

Another good place is a prison...

The bars are nice, easy to decorate and hard for zombies to break or chew through it. besides, most prisons have a huge metal gate and big walls...very hard for zombies to get through that. In a prison there is usually a big kitchen and a stock pile of food, so you'd be able to ride things out for a long time as long as you dont have a million people with you.

Disney cruise ships are also good, you might have to deal with a few zombies, but once they're gone you get to kick back with mickey and eat to your hearts content. There are games and movies to keep you entertained and oh yeah! There's a pool! You don't have to port and you can hang out for a long long time. So being out in the middle of the ocean can sometimes be a good thing. Just watch out for floating zombies, keep all ladders and rescue boats secure.

Zombie Dating

Ok, we all know that dating is a dangerous game, but put zombies to the mix and it's down right deadly.

Here's a little advice that will ensure you'll have a good time and continue to remain alive while dating a zombie;

First bring some kind of head gear for your date, no one wants to end up screaming in pain due to un-necessary bites. Your date will have an urge to bite and chew your face off in the first few minutes, so its important to bring a muzzle or something with you.

Second, be careful holding hands. If you keep in mind that your date is one of the walking dead and has a tendency to lose body parts you will remember to hold the hand with great care.

Third, If you get to be a little affectionate keep in mind the whole biting thing and don't worry about breath mints...zombies aren't known for good hygiene.

And fourth, we all love third base! But remember to use protection! Zombies carry a different type of STD (it will make you a zombie). You can have a little fun, but wrapping it up is very important. Also, try to keep your date away from the neck area (another reason for muzzles or helmets) they will only rip your neck out at that important moment and no one wants that.

Zombie love can be a wonderful thing if you use proper precautions. Everyone will be left satisfied, but don't worry if your date isnt smiling after, after all, too much movement will cause your date's lower jaw to fall out. We just want you to have a good time together and live happily ever after.

What if you're in a graveyard at night?

First off, why are you there? But since you are here's a few tips,

If you find yourself walking in circles and out of no where there's a thick fog forming the best thing for you to do is look for the nearest exit. I know you'll be tempted to break for the closest door you see, but more then likely that will just lead to more zombies.

Another important hint....if you're with someone that falls while your running leave them, while the zombies are chewing away that gives you more than enough time to get out of there. I know I know, you'll feel terrible and want to turn around and scream the classic NOOOO, but honestly that will just waste valuable running time. You can always scream no after you're standing behind a large locked gate. Besides, someone is going to trip and fall, it's a classic move when running away from horror. Embrace it and continue as quick as possible.

And finally i leave you with this......
If you happen to be in the house when the attack starts do me a huge favor,
If they are coming through the front door run out the back , the worst thing to do is cry, stand in fear and run up the stairs! The only thing that will happen is you'l be trapped and have to figure out a way of jumping out the window. No one needs a broken leg, it only leaves you open for multiple chewing.

Take Us To Your Leader

Now, let's be honest here. There is a Zombie invasion happening. There is little that can be done. There is a really good chance that you are going to be come a zombie. Arguably, this is a good thing for some of you. There are some perks. You can be as lazy as you want because you don't have to make any decisions. For all of you out who couldn't make up your minds about what path of life to pursue. We have done all the hard heavy decision making for you. Your now only have two goals to achieve. 1. To infect as many humans as possible and 2. BRAINS, BRAINS, BRAINS. Besides you can bite someone who has really made you mad over the years. If that is not a great perk, I can't think of a better one.

One word of warning, you are undead and cannot be killed. That isn't any reason why you should ever take a shotgun blast to the face. Nobody wants a headless zombie. It's just unsanitary.

How to spot a zombie

If you see someone staring blankly and dragging a leg while they walk it's best to run!

If you see someone dressed in a civil war outfit and you KNOW it's not a re-inactment my advice is to RUN

If you see notice a man walking down the street and his suit is only covering the front of him...back away slowly

Moaning is not a normal form of speech, especially when the person has a grey face

If you know Gramma died 10 years ago and suddenly she's at your door, lock it

If you can see clearly through a persons head and they're moving around....yeah it's a zombie


Just a few examples for now

Never Hide In These Places

Never hide at the top of a tree
Never hide in a house that has huge windows
Never hide in mall
Never hide in a basement, unless there are small windows
Never hide in a library
Never hide in a school
NEVER hide in a underground parking garage
Never hide in a hospital
The open woods are a definate NO NO