Give me your hand and we'll walk towards the sunset
Don't worry the zombies are looking for brains, you're safe..
Does your family have a zombie infestation plan?
Great Minds Taste alike
Friends will pull the trigger. Friends don't let friends become a zombie
Zombies make great Pets, They already know how to play dead!
Things a zombie would do :Eat your flesh, Eat your brain, Moan, Dance with Micheal Jackson
Zombies were people too
You never appreciate the army until the zombie cows attack
Real friends help you kill zombies
There are many types of heros, mine just happens to eat brains
Friday, April 23, 2010
Top 10 Survival Tips For People In Horror Flicks
It’s Friday! So today we have a fun list. There have been some gory horror films throughout time, but one thing they all have in common is a lack of survival instinct. Here are some tips to aid the characters in surviving an impending slaughter and being part of yet another film cliche. Be sure to add some of your own survival tips to the comments.
10Double Check
Never enter a car without double checking the back seat for strangers. Also don’t check the boot until you have found a weapon that is strong enough to puncture it first. You never know who may be hiding in there.
9Hide
If you have found a good hiding place, do not peek or think it’s safe to leave. However, if you are absolutely certain it is the perfect time to leave, examine your surroundings, especially the ground. The sound of a twig breaking, will cost you your life.
8Run For Your Life
If you don’t have a weapon, run for your life, but expect to stumble or fall flat on your face at least twice. Even if you were the fastest runner in school and the monster is just power walking, it’s still moving quick enough to catch you.
7Don’t Be A Hero
If you hear someone cry for help, don’t come to the rescue. Now is not the time to be a hero. They got themself into that mess, so it’s up to them to get themself out. It may also be a trap so don’t take any risks.
6Avoid The Undead
If pets or relatives awake from the dead, don’t even try approach them. There is only one thing on their minds and unfortunately, it is not a family reunion.
5No Human Speaks In Tongues
If a family member or friend speak to you in a different voice or any language they don’t know, shoot them immediately. You will be doing yourself and them a favor. It will probably take more than bullets to kill them, so be prepared.
4Move Out
If you discover that your home was inhabited by a murderer, someone who went insane or committed suicide, move immediately. Don’t take any chances. For all you know they could still be living there.
3Travel in Numbers
Never pair off or go by yourself. You’re better off taking on the monster as a group. In this case quantity is better than quality. Remember – if you go it alone or as a pair, you are setting yourself up for being part of one hell of a cliche.
2Get Loaded
Don’t try to take on the monster with your bare hands. Even if you have some wicked Ninja moves, showing off will get you nowhere. The killer will most likely have a weapon. So don’t even bother if you’re not armed.
1Make Sure It’s Dead
If you think that you have killed the monster, make sure that you have decapitated it and severed each of its limbs. If you only have a gun, keep shooting at it in the head and heart until you have run out of ammo. Then reload and repeat. You will then need to burn it afterwards.
10Double Check
Never enter a car without double checking the back seat for strangers. Also don’t check the boot until you have found a weapon that is strong enough to puncture it first. You never know who may be hiding in there.
9Hide
If you have found a good hiding place, do not peek or think it’s safe to leave. However, if you are absolutely certain it is the perfect time to leave, examine your surroundings, especially the ground. The sound of a twig breaking, will cost you your life.
8Run For Your Life
If you don’t have a weapon, run for your life, but expect to stumble or fall flat on your face at least twice. Even if you were the fastest runner in school and the monster is just power walking, it’s still moving quick enough to catch you.
7Don’t Be A Hero
If you hear someone cry for help, don’t come to the rescue. Now is not the time to be a hero. They got themself into that mess, so it’s up to them to get themself out. It may also be a trap so don’t take any risks.
6Avoid The Undead
If pets or relatives awake from the dead, don’t even try approach them. There is only one thing on their minds and unfortunately, it is not a family reunion.
5No Human Speaks In Tongues
If a family member or friend speak to you in a different voice or any language they don’t know, shoot them immediately. You will be doing yourself and them a favor. It will probably take more than bullets to kill them, so be prepared.
4Move Out
If you discover that your home was inhabited by a murderer, someone who went insane or committed suicide, move immediately. Don’t take any chances. For all you know they could still be living there.
3Travel in Numbers
Never pair off or go by yourself. You’re better off taking on the monster as a group. In this case quantity is better than quality. Remember – if you go it alone or as a pair, you are setting yourself up for being part of one hell of a cliche.
2Get Loaded
Don’t try to take on the monster with your bare hands. Even if you have some wicked Ninja moves, showing off will get you nowhere. The killer will most likely have a weapon. So don’t even bother if you’re not armed.
1Make Sure It’s Dead
If you think that you have killed the monster, make sure that you have decapitated it and severed each of its limbs. If you only have a gun, keep shooting at it in the head and heart until you have run out of ammo. Then reload and repeat. You will then need to burn it afterwards.
Top 7 Zombie Survival tips
So – the inevitable has happened – zombies have attacked the world. You need to know how to survive and this is the list you need – the top 7 zombie survival tips.
1. Pull your shit together!
If it’s a zombie infestation, the cops, firemen, and ambulance men will all be rather busy, or dead. When the first zombies are seen, the police will take them to hospitals. Do not lock yourself in your apartment and wait for the police to save you. Do not cooperate with the authorities. They know nothing about zombies, as they believe that zombies are a myth.
2. Get armed
You do not want to face zombies and be unarmed, even if they are not so smart or quick or powerful, they will be too dangerous to fight bare handed. Firearms are good, but you should also have some side weapons you can use if you run out of bullets, or if they get too close. Anything’s good: knives, swords, axes or even poleaxes if you know how to use one properly. Blunt weapons are also good, but you must wear protection goggles and a mask, or something to protect your face from the splash.
3. Get armored
You must try to protect your body as much as you can, especially the neck, arms and legs. These are the most exposed parts to bite. You can find lots of body armor from army surplus shops, or even martial arts and hunting shops. Jeans also offer good protection from bites.
4. Leave town
If the zombie infestation caught you in a big town, you must leave immediately. It’s one thing to face 10 zombies, but another thing to face 10000 zombies. Best thing is to go to the country. Farms are quite easy to defend, and the open spaces won’t let you get caught by surprise.
5. Gather supplies
Gather as many supplies as you can. Everything from bottled water to gas – you will need it. And it won’t be hard to do it…if everyone’s dead it won’t be stealing! Best thing is to get a truck and start looting the largest stores in the area. Don’t go into big towns, and don’t start looting until you are 100% sure there won’t be a zombie attack, let alone a big one! You don’t want the authorities to stop the attack, nor do you want to end up in jail for looting.
6. Barricade
Some barbed wire and a whole bunch of gas filled bottles can do wonders when defending your resort from a zombie attack. Also, alarms are a very good idea. You can make them yourself (some cans and pots on a wire) or get a real one, motion sensors and everything (see number 5 for looting tips – Gas and Generator required).
7. Search for survivors
After you have enough supplies, and your home and the surroundings are safe, you should start searching for survivors. Even if you are the only one of your group still alive, you’ll end up going mad if you remain alone. Start with the small towns around you. It will be quite easy if you have a zombie proof car. Just go to the town limits and honk. If zombies are there, they will head in your direction and you can just leave; alternatively you will recognize the survivors and can form a group. Safety in numbers!
Contributor: Yaurt
1. Pull your shit together!
If it’s a zombie infestation, the cops, firemen, and ambulance men will all be rather busy, or dead. When the first zombies are seen, the police will take them to hospitals. Do not lock yourself in your apartment and wait for the police to save you. Do not cooperate with the authorities. They know nothing about zombies, as they believe that zombies are a myth.
2. Get armed
You do not want to face zombies and be unarmed, even if they are not so smart or quick or powerful, they will be too dangerous to fight bare handed. Firearms are good, but you should also have some side weapons you can use if you run out of bullets, or if they get too close. Anything’s good: knives, swords, axes or even poleaxes if you know how to use one properly. Blunt weapons are also good, but you must wear protection goggles and a mask, or something to protect your face from the splash.
3. Get armored
You must try to protect your body as much as you can, especially the neck, arms and legs. These are the most exposed parts to bite. You can find lots of body armor from army surplus shops, or even martial arts and hunting shops. Jeans also offer good protection from bites.
4. Leave town
If the zombie infestation caught you in a big town, you must leave immediately. It’s one thing to face 10 zombies, but another thing to face 10000 zombies. Best thing is to go to the country. Farms are quite easy to defend, and the open spaces won’t let you get caught by surprise.
5. Gather supplies
Gather as many supplies as you can. Everything from bottled water to gas – you will need it. And it won’t be hard to do it…if everyone’s dead it won’t be stealing! Best thing is to get a truck and start looting the largest stores in the area. Don’t go into big towns, and don’t start looting until you are 100% sure there won’t be a zombie attack, let alone a big one! You don’t want the authorities to stop the attack, nor do you want to end up in jail for looting.
6. Barricade
Some barbed wire and a whole bunch of gas filled bottles can do wonders when defending your resort from a zombie attack. Also, alarms are a very good idea. You can make them yourself (some cans and pots on a wire) or get a real one, motion sensors and everything (see number 5 for looting tips – Gas and Generator required).
7. Search for survivors
After you have enough supplies, and your home and the surroundings are safe, you should start searching for survivors. Even if you are the only one of your group still alive, you’ll end up going mad if you remain alone. Start with the small towns around you. It will be quite easy if you have a zombie proof car. Just go to the town limits and honk. If zombies are there, they will head in your direction and you can just leave; alternatively you will recognize the survivors and can form a group. Safety in numbers!
Contributor: Yaurt
The Rules of Zombieland
Zombieland has 32 rules and for the most part alot of them go unspoken and some I simply cant remember. So I thought what better job then fill in all the missing rules to give everyone a good and proper education on how to survive a zombie outbreak. So with only about 6 of the Zombieland Rules actually shared in the film here is my 32 Rules of Surviving Zombieland.. give or take.
The actual zombieland rules are in ITALIC. My filler rules are not. As we get more of the official rules we missed this list will be updated so please leave comments and we will fill in all the missing numbers!
Rule 1: Cardio: This one comes up in Zombieland and clearly makes alot of sense. How many fat people do you see at the end of the world when its zombies doing the ending?
Rule 2: Beware of Bathrooms: Really not just bathrooms any good apocalyptic zombie survivor should know better then going into a bathroom, small closet or any other small room with only one way in or out. Only thing stupider to go into then a bathroom is a movie theater. Lots of places to run around before you get eaten.
Rule 3: Seatbelts: Its a safe bet unless your a complete dumb dumb ( see rule #7 ) your not going to be hoofing it on foot in the event of a zombie outbreak. So when travelling on four wheels wear your seat belt. Nothing worse then finding yourself ejected out of your car into the loving and oh so hungry arms of zombies.
Rule 4: Doubletap: Carrying a gun is a great idea but it should never be your primary weapon. When you do end up using it for that last minute 'oh shit' moment remember to double tap. Its an emergency and thats why your using it and not your cricket bat so why skimp? One bullet more in the head will go a long way to ensuring your survival.
Rule 5: No Attachments: This is a tough one but you can not have attachments. If you got kids or a wife your less likely to survive then the gal or guy who has no attachments and nothing slowing him or her down. Or worse yet making bonehead decisions like 'going back into the room'
Rule 6: Travel in a Group: The best way to increase your odds of survival when travelling in a zombie outbreak is to make sure your a traveling buffet. Going it alone gives the zombies no choices but to eat you. Going it with the old man with the limp, the little kid who cant run and the middle aged woman with the plastic leg gives the zombies more options and you better odds you can run away faster then they can.
Rule 7: Keep the Dumb Dumbs Close at Hand: One of the most sure fire ways of making sure you survive is keeping the less intelligent as close at hand as possible. When you find somebody who asks you 'Whats going on? What Happened? Those are the ones you want with you. That way when the zombies come they are likely to stupid to realize its not Amway calling and run.
Rule 8: Kill with Efficiency: Its not about pretty its about efficiency. Alot of folks run for the gun cabinet where as the truly savvy go looking for the most blunt and effective way to destroy the brain. That can be anything from a baseball bat... to a toilet lid! Kill with Efficiency... dont use weapons that need something to work and use weapons you can swing over and over and over again. You dont tend to run into 1 zombie at a time.
Rule 9: Guns Are for Hunting, Not for Zombie Killing: This one is simple. Guns need bullets. When your running who has time to stop for bullets? Keeping a shotgun with buckshot on hand is important but only when your pinned in and need a quick getaway. Its not a proper means for killing zombies as they run out of ammo and need reloading. Remember a Cricket Bat, or Toilet Lid do not need loading!
Rule 10: Be Quiet: Its the end of the world as you know it so try to avoid squeeling like a 4th grade school girl and perhaps invest in some good sneakers. Nobody said you have to kill all the zombies and there is certainly no shame in sneaking around and surviving versus tearing around like a madman and ending up being an undead happy meal.
Rule 15: Know Your Way out! Nothing worse then a poorly planned escape. If your going to be a hero its always a good idea to plan ahead and as the rule states.. know your way out!
Rule 17: Don't Be a Hero: The hot chick who was totally gonna give you some is not worth becoming the undead. So when the going gets rough and the hot chick is about to get undead... its time to flee. No making a stand no ending up a brave zombie. Better to be a chicken liver live guy.
Rule 18: Limber Up: When either fighting a zombie or running from zombies its not a great time to be pulling a muscle or throwing your back out. So limbering up is kind of a must. Stretch it out a little.. it may save your life.
Rule 19: Blend in: Much as Shaun did in Shaun of the Dead its important to blend in. Whens the last time you saw a zombie try to eat another zombie? not easily done but with the right odor and smearing of goo on your face it can happen.
Rule 20: Find The Right Shelter: Shelter is key to survival but since we are already travelling in a group you should ask yourself why the shelter needs to be stationary. For me a motor home or large all terrain vehicle that seats a half dozen would do nicely. Plus when zombies arrive in your neighbourhood there is no last minute scramble to pack and leave. Just put it in drive and roll!
Rule 21: Zombies cant Climb. Much like you have never seen a zombie eat another zombie whens the last time you saw a zombie climb a wall? Well other then the debacle that was the remake of Day of the Dead which had spiderman zombies. Zombies can climb so find high ground if you do need to stop.
Rule 22: Be ruthless: Much like having no attachments being ruthless is key. When your bride turns into the undead, reach for the lid to the toilet seat and be ruthless. The weak and compassionate will not survive in the world of the undead.
Rule 23: God Bless Rednecks: Rednecks are loud, brash, well armed and ready to kick ass now and ask questions later. So when a redneck shows up in your group half drunk and rumbling louder then your humvee welcome him. Sure rednecks can attract zombies but they also are well armed and kill a whole lot of em when they do come for dinner. Best of all they are good bait for you to make your exit while he is making a mess of the zombies and before he realizes he just ran out of bullets and does the happy meal groan
Rule 24: No Drinking. This one should be pretty plain obvious. Escaping zombies is tough enough as it is. How well do you think you will do after downing a couple shots of Jack Daniels? Drinking is not a good survival tactic.
Rule 31: Check the Back Seat. I cant tell you how many times somebody has eaten it or in this case been eaten because they are just not smart enough to check the back seat. Always check the back seat friends. Always!
Rule 32: Enjoy the Little Things: Its the end of the world. Dont sweat the small stuff. Loot a neighbourhood or two, trash a car, speed! Do the little things and enjoy em. Who knows how long you have to live!
As much as I promised you 32 rules this is where my list ends. It ends so you can fill in your own for all the numbers I skipped! Yes I do know how to count to 32 ( but not 50 ). What other key rules does civilization need to abide by to survive in a land filled with zombies? Leave them in the comments!
The actual zombieland rules are in ITALIC. My filler rules are not. As we get more of the official rules we missed this list will be updated so please leave comments and we will fill in all the missing numbers!
Rule 1: Cardio: This one comes up in Zombieland and clearly makes alot of sense. How many fat people do you see at the end of the world when its zombies doing the ending?
Rule 2: Beware of Bathrooms: Really not just bathrooms any good apocalyptic zombie survivor should know better then going into a bathroom, small closet or any other small room with only one way in or out. Only thing stupider to go into then a bathroom is a movie theater. Lots of places to run around before you get eaten.
Rule 3: Seatbelts: Its a safe bet unless your a complete dumb dumb ( see rule #7 ) your not going to be hoofing it on foot in the event of a zombie outbreak. So when travelling on four wheels wear your seat belt. Nothing worse then finding yourself ejected out of your car into the loving and oh so hungry arms of zombies.
Rule 4: Doubletap: Carrying a gun is a great idea but it should never be your primary weapon. When you do end up using it for that last minute 'oh shit' moment remember to double tap. Its an emergency and thats why your using it and not your cricket bat so why skimp? One bullet more in the head will go a long way to ensuring your survival.
Rule 5: No Attachments: This is a tough one but you can not have attachments. If you got kids or a wife your less likely to survive then the gal or guy who has no attachments and nothing slowing him or her down. Or worse yet making bonehead decisions like 'going back into the room'
Rule 6: Travel in a Group: The best way to increase your odds of survival when travelling in a zombie outbreak is to make sure your a traveling buffet. Going it alone gives the zombies no choices but to eat you. Going it with the old man with the limp, the little kid who cant run and the middle aged woman with the plastic leg gives the zombies more options and you better odds you can run away faster then they can.
Rule 7: Keep the Dumb Dumbs Close at Hand: One of the most sure fire ways of making sure you survive is keeping the less intelligent as close at hand as possible. When you find somebody who asks you 'Whats going on? What Happened? Those are the ones you want with you. That way when the zombies come they are likely to stupid to realize its not Amway calling and run.
Rule 8: Kill with Efficiency: Its not about pretty its about efficiency. Alot of folks run for the gun cabinet where as the truly savvy go looking for the most blunt and effective way to destroy the brain. That can be anything from a baseball bat... to a toilet lid! Kill with Efficiency... dont use weapons that need something to work and use weapons you can swing over and over and over again. You dont tend to run into 1 zombie at a time.
Rule 9: Guns Are for Hunting, Not for Zombie Killing: This one is simple. Guns need bullets. When your running who has time to stop for bullets? Keeping a shotgun with buckshot on hand is important but only when your pinned in and need a quick getaway. Its not a proper means for killing zombies as they run out of ammo and need reloading. Remember a Cricket Bat, or Toilet Lid do not need loading!
Rule 10: Be Quiet: Its the end of the world as you know it so try to avoid squeeling like a 4th grade school girl and perhaps invest in some good sneakers. Nobody said you have to kill all the zombies and there is certainly no shame in sneaking around and surviving versus tearing around like a madman and ending up being an undead happy meal.
Rule 15: Know Your Way out! Nothing worse then a poorly planned escape. If your going to be a hero its always a good idea to plan ahead and as the rule states.. know your way out!
Rule 17: Don't Be a Hero: The hot chick who was totally gonna give you some is not worth becoming the undead. So when the going gets rough and the hot chick is about to get undead... its time to flee. No making a stand no ending up a brave zombie. Better to be a chicken liver live guy.
Rule 18: Limber Up: When either fighting a zombie or running from zombies its not a great time to be pulling a muscle or throwing your back out. So limbering up is kind of a must. Stretch it out a little.. it may save your life.
Rule 19: Blend in: Much as Shaun did in Shaun of the Dead its important to blend in. Whens the last time you saw a zombie try to eat another zombie? not easily done but with the right odor and smearing of goo on your face it can happen.
Rule 20: Find The Right Shelter: Shelter is key to survival but since we are already travelling in a group you should ask yourself why the shelter needs to be stationary. For me a motor home or large all terrain vehicle that seats a half dozen would do nicely. Plus when zombies arrive in your neighbourhood there is no last minute scramble to pack and leave. Just put it in drive and roll!
Rule 21: Zombies cant Climb. Much like you have never seen a zombie eat another zombie whens the last time you saw a zombie climb a wall? Well other then the debacle that was the remake of Day of the Dead which had spiderman zombies. Zombies can climb so find high ground if you do need to stop.
Rule 22: Be ruthless: Much like having no attachments being ruthless is key. When your bride turns into the undead, reach for the lid to the toilet seat and be ruthless. The weak and compassionate will not survive in the world of the undead.
Rule 23: God Bless Rednecks: Rednecks are loud, brash, well armed and ready to kick ass now and ask questions later. So when a redneck shows up in your group half drunk and rumbling louder then your humvee welcome him. Sure rednecks can attract zombies but they also are well armed and kill a whole lot of em when they do come for dinner. Best of all they are good bait for you to make your exit while he is making a mess of the zombies and before he realizes he just ran out of bullets and does the happy meal groan
Rule 24: No Drinking. This one should be pretty plain obvious. Escaping zombies is tough enough as it is. How well do you think you will do after downing a couple shots of Jack Daniels? Drinking is not a good survival tactic.
Rule 31: Check the Back Seat. I cant tell you how many times somebody has eaten it or in this case been eaten because they are just not smart enough to check the back seat. Always check the back seat friends. Always!
Rule 32: Enjoy the Little Things: Its the end of the world. Dont sweat the small stuff. Loot a neighbourhood or two, trash a car, speed! Do the little things and enjoy em. Who knows how long you have to live!
As much as I promised you 32 rules this is where my list ends. It ends so you can fill in your own for all the numbers I skipped! Yes I do know how to count to 32 ( but not 50 ). What other key rules does civilization need to abide by to survive in a land filled with zombies? Leave them in the comments!
Local residents angry as police mistake Obama supporters for Zombies!
Local Foreskin police were tagged,'racist and quick-on-the-gun, after a hastily formed riot squad descended upon a gathering of Barack Obama supporters.
Dubbed a protest in support of 'Citizens Against Common Sense,' supporters gathered in Penalty Park where a bronze statue of Obama on a white horse was about to be unveiled to the awaiting crowd. Crowd estimates were put at over 10,000 by park rangers.
The Foreskin police force, on alert for a suspected Mexican Flu Zombie invasion, mistook the glazed eyes and blank expressions on the supporters as 'zombie-like,' says Foreskin Gazzette reporter Mark Henry. According to Henry,
"Captain Henry Scwantz gave the order for his officers to 'shoot first and ask questions later.' After two volleys of gunfire and pepper gas, the mayor who was officiating at the event, Donald Flith(D), yelled for a cease fire. The was photographed by the Gazzette washing pepper spray from his eyes. Luckily for the supporters, the Foreskin police are reputed to be terrible shots and the only damage was to the statue which sustained three bullets to the buttocks, a street lamp globe that was shattered, and a little old lady's dog named Butch.
Butch was taken to Shadyside Cemetary where he was interned with full Democratic Party honors. Butch's master Edna Rosetta, claims she will sue.
Written by Bargis Tryhol
Dubbed a protest in support of 'Citizens Against Common Sense,' supporters gathered in Penalty Park where a bronze statue of Obama on a white horse was about to be unveiled to the awaiting crowd. Crowd estimates were put at over 10,000 by park rangers.
The Foreskin police force, on alert for a suspected Mexican Flu Zombie invasion, mistook the glazed eyes and blank expressions on the supporters as 'zombie-like,' says Foreskin Gazzette reporter Mark Henry. According to Henry,
"Captain Henry Scwantz gave the order for his officers to 'shoot first and ask questions later.' After two volleys of gunfire and pepper gas, the mayor who was officiating at the event, Donald Flith(D), yelled for a cease fire. The was photographed by the Gazzette washing pepper spray from his eyes. Luckily for the supporters, the Foreskin police are reputed to be terrible shots and the only damage was to the statue which sustained three bullets to the buttocks, a street lamp globe that was shattered, and a little old lady's dog named Butch.
Butch was taken to Shadyside Cemetary where he was interned with full Democratic Party honors. Butch's master Edna Rosetta, claims she will sue.
Written by Bargis Tryhol
Flu Zombies kidnap Miley Cyrus...Then drop her off at a Hardware Store!
San Antonio - Ravaging hordes of Mexican Flu zombies raged onward toward the north as food supplies in this vanquished city of 13 million dwindled down to nothing. Homeland Security alerts have been posted as far north as Chicago and Seattle.
The Mexican Flu, once called the Swine Flu, then switched to H1N1 Flu by the Obama White House, because it sounded more 'technical and friendlier,' has caused a massive outbreak of Flu Zombies that threatens to take over the Southwest United States.
Fist hand reports claim a band of more than 15,000 Mexican Zombies invaded western Tennessee and kidnapped popular singer Miley Cyrus and spirited her off to Oklahoma under the cloak of darkness and before police could issue an alert that she was even missing. Miley turned up shaken and not-stirred in Weebles, Oklahoma. She was observed standing nude in the loading zone, holding an orange pail, a roll of clear plastic, and a ladder, along with a most peculiar dazed look upon her face. Police responded immediately and picked her up for questioning. Reportedly, she kept repeating a request for a 'hankie and some Robitussin cough syrup.'
Along the Texas border, non-deterred locals have found a pleasurable past time while waiting out the flu pandemic. A recent weekend was filled with drinking cold beer and betting on making 'Zombie head shots' with their scoped deer hunting rifles. So far an estimated 1.1 million zombies were 'eliminated' until the shooting stopped due to the beer running out.
Anyone wishing to help out the Texans, can support them by sending any spare .308, 30-06, or .270 win ammo to San Antonio, Texas. Beer donations are certainly welcome.
Written by Bargis Tryhol
The Mexican Flu, once called the Swine Flu, then switched to H1N1 Flu by the Obama White House, because it sounded more 'technical and friendlier,' has caused a massive outbreak of Flu Zombies that threatens to take over the Southwest United States.
Fist hand reports claim a band of more than 15,000 Mexican Zombies invaded western Tennessee and kidnapped popular singer Miley Cyrus and spirited her off to Oklahoma under the cloak of darkness and before police could issue an alert that she was even missing. Miley turned up shaken and not-stirred in Weebles, Oklahoma. She was observed standing nude in the loading zone, holding an orange pail, a roll of clear plastic, and a ladder, along with a most peculiar dazed look upon her face. Police responded immediately and picked her up for questioning. Reportedly, she kept repeating a request for a 'hankie and some Robitussin cough syrup.'
Along the Texas border, non-deterred locals have found a pleasurable past time while waiting out the flu pandemic. A recent weekend was filled with drinking cold beer and betting on making 'Zombie head shots' with their scoped deer hunting rifles. So far an estimated 1.1 million zombies were 'eliminated' until the shooting stopped due to the beer running out.
Anyone wishing to help out the Texans, can support them by sending any spare .308, 30-06, or .270 win ammo to San Antonio, Texas. Beer donations are certainly welcome.
Written by Bargis Tryhol
Gay Zombie flu midgets terrorize London. Residents rush to evacuate!
Just what the world needs now - Leading London papers are reporting a terrible outbreak of Zombie like creatures that prey upon the unsuspecting in usually busy public places. According to Scotland Yard's Special Agent Lars Blum, "The devilish, cannibalistic creatures stand under one meter tall and believe it or not, are totally homosexual in sexual preference!" Blum added that, "They are a result of the recent Swine Flu epidemic and their DNA has has appeared to have been altered by the flu vaccine." A recent attack in Hyde Park caught Mark Lowton, editor of theSpoof.com, an international mainstay of spoofed stories, by surprise. Lowton was partially eaten and then vigourously sodomized. Lowton has since recovered, but vows never to go out alone again...Next time, if he has to go anywhere, he'll bring a tube of salami to throw to the beggars! Lowton requested that the police that do arrest the perpetrator should forward the man's address and phone number to him immediately. Some aren't so fortunate. At least 177 people were brutally devoured and their remains strewn around popular tourist sites like the Tower and Buckingham Palace, adding more fear and a cancellation of tours. Tourism has dropped over night by an astounding 94%!
Police promise a quick solution to the problem as they imported 200 midget Klu Klux Klan members from Liverpool.
Londoners, who's usual resilientcy to calamity is world reknown, are fleeing the city in droves. Boats and planes are booked solid for at least the next 60 days and many have taken to small boats to cross the channel in order to escape the madness in the streets. Officials across the channel in France have been stopping all boats and using a measuring stick to survey all refugess' height. Anyone under a meter tall is hastily turned back, except if they speak French, then they are immediately drowned.
Written by Bargis Tryhol
Police promise a quick solution to the problem as they imported 200 midget Klu Klux Klan members from Liverpool.
Londoners, who's usual resilientcy to calamity is world reknown, are fleeing the city in droves. Boats and planes are booked solid for at least the next 60 days and many have taken to small boats to cross the channel in order to escape the madness in the streets. Officials across the channel in France have been stopping all boats and using a measuring stick to survey all refugess' height. Anyone under a meter tall is hastily turned back, except if they speak French, then they are immediately drowned.
Written by Bargis Tryhol
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